Don't go it alone

In hard times it is important to surround ourselves with life giving community. Don't weather the storms alone.

This book ate my whole head.

I am reading The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron for a small group I just joined. I just wanted to put it out there and say the first twenty-ish pages of this are amazing. That is as far as I have gotten, in part because I read the introduction. (PS- the intro was good too.)
I have two things from the first twenty that have kicked me in the face.
First, is part of a list that Cameron says to read every day to remind yourself of basic spiritual principles of creativity. the whole list is fantastic, but this particular one made me super nervous. I actually felt my heart rate go up.

It is safe to open ourselves up to greater and greater creativity.

AHHHHHH! Eve typing that makes me nervous. Safe? Are you sure? I long for safety/ My lawyer husband tells me I am one of the most risk adverse people he has ever met.... and he is a lawyer. Well poop. he is totally right. I pack my carry-ons just so, so they are easily navigable in case I am suspected of carrying liquids in beyond the proper amounts, or heaven forbid the rouge nail clippers that could be stashed. Today I mentioned to him that I was considering getting an apple cozy. YES. An apple cozy. Like a tea-cozy, but for an apple so it doesn't get bruised in your bag. I thought it sounded brilliant... he gave me the amused/slightly-wierded-out-but-still-love-you look. He's so gracious with my psychosis. After lighting a match and blowing it out, i have been known to run it under the tap before throwing it in the garbage. I don't want garbage fires. I also regularly check my drug interactions online. There are a number of other things I don't stress about, but there are plenty of things I do. Just tonight I stepped outside the cross-walk lines when crossing the road, and due to a convo last night, actually said to myself out loud "ah! contributory negligence!" because if a car were to hit me when i was out of the lines... well it could be viewed as contributory negligence! I AM A MESS!

SOOOooo- when someone claims to me that something is SAFE, especially something that I know I love but that can be terrifying and soul crushing and plain hard at moments, I kind of have a freak out. There has to be some tidy painted cross-walk lines for me to walk in during my creative excursions so that I can't be hit by nay-saying and then told my negligence was contributing. SAFE!? Where's the crossing guard and the zebra walk way?

However, I get it in my head somewhere. If God is the essence and author of all creation and creativity... the true source and light... and God is in some always 'safe' (and I don't mean that in a cross walk way) or good... then it follows that opening up myself to greater and greater creativity would be safe. And good. Not to mention very moral and right. Becoming more like Christ- the God-man... source, light, creator in flesh is our calling and my destiny.

Yes, yes it is, but paint me scared anyhow.

I have learned that God's version of 'safe' is ever clearly not American and ever clearly not backed up with the type of benefits package that may or may not include dental. Safe... yes. But NOT the definition of it that we know well.

Still, I am going to read that everyday, and let it ruminate (like a cow) in my brain stomach.

*sigh*

Alright. NUMBER TWO! This was a good kick in the mouth. Not sure how that works, but I imagine is something along the lines of a kung-fu super fan getting a wicked bloody nose from his venerated hero. I have never been a super-fan, so that is pure conjecture.

Right. Well. The second moment was when reading about two of the tools for recovering creativity. One is the 'morning pages' which i am not going to explain, because it is complicated, and the other is the artist date. The quick and dirty explanation of the artist-date is going out for two hours or so and doing something that furthers your love and momentum of your art.

When this was being explained to me at our small group, our fearless leader told me "this is something you are really good at." This first off shocked me... i have a hard time admitting I am good at things and to be called out right then and there was unexpected. After it was described and what could count as that.. art exhibits, craft projects, a good walk to search for inspiration, trying something new... I realized I generally am pretty good at this.

As i read the book I think I identified why I am good at this. Cameron describes this practice as quality time spent with the thing you love. She likens it to when families our couples go to counseling and are asked "so, do spend quality time together?" This month at NCC we have been going through the LOVE series and one of the things in our resource pack at the beginning of the series was a link to take the 5 Love Languages quiz. i have tried to read that book over and over again without success. Honestly I think my main problem is that the cover is generally heinous in my mind and I feel embarrassed holding it much like i am wearing a grandma sweater. The website is MUCH more pleasing to the eye and I didn't feel as if I had wandered into the thrift store valentine section without a way out. Phew! So I took the quiz, and quality time was my top love language. When I read Cameron's description of this tool I thought "aha! that is probably why I am somewhat innately good at this. I show my love through quality time, and art is something I love." My husband and art galleries are some of my favorite things that, if i were not properly watched, I might add into a song after "girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes."

Sure, this is a pat on the back to me that my creativity is perhaps not completely blocked, and clearly, by Cameron's appraisal, salvageable at the very very least. I am determined not to take this innate good thing for granted, but kick myself into keeping doing it.

So. That's that. This course is eating my face like real Thai food spice. It burns so good.
B

Surrender

Sometimes it is time to put up the white flag and surrender. This past week has been one of those weeks culminating in leadership retreat at NCC.

I love NCC. I love it for a number of reasons... none of which I am really going to mention right now... but there are a number... a big number.

This past weekend was leadership retreat. NCC pours a lot into their leaders, which is part of a sort of food-chain that grows purpose-filled leaders, and strives to make disciples that love Jesus. We have only been back in DC for a week and were pulled into leadership retreat and accepted with open arms. Even though our lives are messy right now, it is so good to be back with people who are working with what they have where they are right this minute. It encourages me. Sure, they aren't perfect, but if they were i would be worried.

As the final session of leadership retreat would down, there was a time of confession asking what we needed to confess to God and give to Him in order to go "All In." I knew that this was occurring at the end of the week-end, in part because I used to help plan this event. Still, I managed not to connect the dots on things God has been working on my heart with this week. I was reading in Mark some more this week. (Let me once again reiterate that i am a lousy Bible reader. I love it when I do it, but i definitely am a binge Bible reader, and still am working on getting better at that. ) This week I read over Mark 8 a couple times. In the first chunk it details a time when Jesus feeds four thousand people from a few loaves and fish... one his oft referenced miracles. Shortly after that miracle, he and his disciples are on a boat and the disciples start worrying about where the bread is going to come from for their upcoming meal because, well, they are on a boat. Nothing like forgetting snacks before a trip in the middle of nowhere. Jesus ends up scolding them roughly saying "Seriously guys? Have you learned anything from the experience we just had together? You honestly are still concerned about bread when I just fed a bazillion people with next to zip." Jesus even asks them how many baskets of leftovers they picked up, and the amounts are something in the neighborhood of BASKETS full. Still, the disciples seem to not quite connect the dots.

The disciples and I have a lot in common when it comes to my tunnel vision. As a literary device the disciples are you and I. Let's not dumb down the brilliance of the complex stories of the Bible. I see myself so clearly in this story this week, because provision is something that I have wrestled over praying for and have struggled to have even tiny faith about. That mustard seed that Christians talk about sometimes seems so intimidatingly real and solid compared to the faith I am trying to belch out of my soul. Like the disciples my eyes and ears have failed to function on the spiritual realm. I have had huge disconnects in seeing God's miraculous provision for me and accepting it. I have even been able to acknowledge it to other people with my mouth but not been able to accept it with my heart and there are a couple big uglies of sinful junk heaps that seem to get in my way over and over again. Pride. Fear. Motives. Those three things keep me from fully living in God's plan for me, and this week I could feel God laying into me about my sin issues in those areas.

I hate talking about sin. Part of me is very "I'm-okay-you're-okay-whatevs-it's-all-good-blah-blah-blah-hippie-hair-and-flowers" and I am coming to realize that that part of me is not sanctified. Sin is not okay, and not only not okay but it is really hard to talk about and difficult to define. What is a sin? I am not talking about what ARE sins... that's an easy thing to look up in a concordance or google the poo out of... but what is a sin. I am pretty sure it was my husband who, when asked this said "anything that keeps you out of community with God and/or others." I have generally tried to use that as a working definition, and it sucks. I want to be holy and set apart, but i am a messy mess. I have a hard time admitting when I am wrong, and I try to justify everything at all times. Somehow my inner self is still 6 years old and has to hit other kids back when they smack me and call people names and cry when i don't get my way. So when God is pushing at my concrete heart get really bent out of shape and upset. Then when I am given a chance to confess these sins that God is pulling out of my death-grip, it is often those very same sins that get in my way of confessing. Pride. Fear. Motives.

When that time came this weekend, I don't think I have ever felt more realistic about my issues, and honestly that seems like the biggest blessing. When God chooses to humble me in public, i usually turn into a crying snotty mess, and I find that extremely embarrassing, like being the kid in the dunce hat in the corner of the classroom. This time since i was paying attention to God working on my heart, I actually had a brain when confession rolled around. On the thinker to feeler scale I am truly a thinker. For most people who know me, that sounds bizarre since i am also fairly emotional, but i do make decisions based on thought and reason and not feelings. I don't trust my guts to tell me what to do, and my feelings lie when it comes to morality. So, having confession while still have a brain that isn't completely drenched in sad and panic chemicals was wonderful. I could truly recognize what it was that God wanted from me and how I was worrying about bread after witnessing a miracle.

Ian and I have been living out of suitcases for about two years, and have never been in serious want of anything important. We've had food, a roof over our heads, and we've been healthy. We've had BASKETS full of blessings above and beyond, and I still I lie awake at night wondering about where my bread is going to come from.

In Mark 9 there is all sorts of crazy that happens. Jesus brings the crazy where ever he goes. About half way through the chapter a man comes to Jesus asking for healing for his demon-possessed son whose life has been threatened by the seizures that happen to him. The father says something along the lines of "if you can heal him, will you please show us mercy and do so?" and Jesus replies "If I can?" (nothing like insulting God incarnate) and tells that man that all things are possible for those who believe. The man's reply is beautiful. “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

This really challenges me and my pissy American-feminism and spoiled-middle-class-brat self. When I insult Jesus by saying "If you can provide for me, then would you please do that?" and God provides for me in a way that challenges the sins that bind me, I respond Him not with "help my unbelief!" but rather with lashing out of temper tantrums because i want a hand-out and not something that helps me. I want Jesus to do my homework and whisper the answers to me during the test. I want God to train for the race and do the weight lifting and puking in the streets and then when my even comes, for Him to pull a Freaky-Friday body switch and let me win the race. What i don't get, pretty much ever.... is that he ALREADY HAS. he took my place in death, and I just can't grasp that because I have not experienced the final prize of his sacrifice.

So here I am at almost 2 a.m. pouring my guts onto the computer, because i need to remember this. i need to remember that i have confessed these things and that God knows that I know because we've been working on this, and now it is time to notice it and let it go in daily life. It's time to not wonder where the bread is, but to exclaim “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” And upon hearing that prayer Jesus healed the boy in the story, and I can trust that he heals me.

B

when life hands you vintage photos...

... become a digital time traveler!
B

Pretty sure Matthew 23 just ate my lunch

Well, not entirely. I did have some yogurt for the sake of my digestive tract.
Still, I decided to stay at home on Friday of this week like I was trying to make my practice here in Kenya. It helps me feel centered having a day to rest and work from home. I generally spend the day editing photos and puttering around. Today i felt the need to get into my Bible. I have dropped the ball on that especially lately. I thought i was doing so well, but stress steals my peace and the moment i feel stressed out I turn to a lot of stupid things to return my joy... like television. Culture stress kicks my butt. I hate being followed by people begging for money, getting yelled at to point out that I am, in fact, a white girl on foot, and not being able to communicate clearly or even understand some of the people I care most deeply about here. So I think "shoot... I need some America," and I turn to our biggest export: media. Strangely this is probably the exact thing that causes me the most grief here. People see Americans as being rich, promiscuous, and self-centered and most of that comes from our media, and the rest comes from the bad choices of many individuals, aid groups, and governments mainly.

Today when I felt the itch to get back into scripture I could tell it is because I have been super deprived of it. God's word lives in my heart, and I know that because in weird moments, it moves its' way past my mumbling and lips and says things to people. I am always a little shocked when that happens. I think I have my parents to thank mostly for raising me with scripture, and then after that I think I have classical choral composers and hymn writers to thank. My nose has never been in that book as much as I think it should be. Memorization plans as a child didn't really work for me. I am really really good at committing words to semi-short term memory. This is part of what made me an annoying teenager... when my parents or teacher would say "Bekah, did you hear what i said!?" i would repeat it back to them word for word. totally obnoxious. They probably should have been asking me to paraphrase or contextualize instead...because that might have actually worked out.

Regardless, i got into Matthew 22&23 today, mostly because that is where I left off in October. I am not one of those Christians worth my salt, because I don't think I have ever really gotten through the Bible in one year successfully. I've been trying to keep up with a reading plan, but i still suck at it. I am however one of those people that hardly ever reads a book twice. Probably because when I read a good meaty book, I tend to read the page over three times or so the first time through. It takes me forever to get through even short books... but i do actually remember things and tend to actually use the things I read. Everything from Annie Dillard and CS Lewis to Hemmingway and Roald Dahl has synthesized their way into my world view. So, when I reached Matthew 23 today I really was floored.

i actually love this part of scripture. Mostly, due to the fact that in Godspell when Stephen sings this part of scripture I really can feel it. I did not, however, realize just how much this was tied into what I am doing now and how ridiculous I feel as the hypocrite still trying to work for justice in Jesus' name.

Okay... In Matt. 22 Jesus has just gotten done outwitting the Pharisees in a sort of "kicking a** and taking names" sort of style. It's pretty awesome, and i for one come out of it thinking "yeah! that smart guy over there... I am on HIS team, suckers!" It had to be pretty awesome to be one of those crusty disciples at the point thinking "our teacher is THE MAN!"

But then Jesus lays into his pain and longing for the righteousness of the people he has just schooled. He aches at their actions and groans in longing for their return to the fold of God. It's pretty intense. The whole chapter whirls me around, but there were four chunks that really kicked me this time:

¹⁴ "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! You devour widows' houses and make long prayers just for show. This is why you will receive a harsher punishment.

Part of the reason this caught me, i am sure is that the last version of bible I had probably didn't include it except as a footnote. That confuses me a little, but beyond the this-version-that version discussion, this really stuck me.

I have been praying and keeping in my thoughts one of the ladies I have the privilege of working with here in Kenya. Doro is the backbone of the cafe and she challenges me to be someone of firmer resolve and steadfast character. She doesn't do that by her words necessarily but by her actions and interactions. Doro actually pulled me aside one day and told me I was a 'person of integrity.' That sort of blew my mind, seeing that I am often a world-class flake in my mind. This week has been especially tough because Doro has been 'up country' moving her mom from the family shamba to a new house off the family property. Doro was actually using her week to build her mother a new home. She let me in on a little here ad there about what was going on. She told me she had a 'very bad' uncle that she will have to talk to when she got there. it wasn't until after she left that someone filled me in that this 'bad uncle' was threatening the life of Doro and her mother if they didn't move her mother of the family land. This is fairly typical in Africa, and Ian actually did work regarding the land rights of widows when he was in law school, but it still shocks me. this man is kicking his own old and sick sister of their land. Not only that he has threatened her life and the life of her children. What are we doing about this!? This isn't some hypothetical situation. One thing I have learned in Africa, that if it is happening here, it is probably happening in a more quiet and sneaky way in my own country.

Moving on-

²³ "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! You pay a tenth of mint, dill, and cumin, yet you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy, and faith. These things should have been done without neglecting the others. ²⁴ Blind guides! You strain out a gnat, yet gulp down a camel!

I found this especially fascinating because of the food references. We love spices in our food in this family. i forget that spices were a huge part of wealth... or rather are a huge part of wealth. The spice trade etc etc... Still, thinking of our money in the terms of spices is somehow eye-opening to me. It isn't coins or cold hard cash, but it is more than a piece of paper tied to a hypothetical construct. These are things I can see, touch and even taste. Mint... love it in my tea... dill... what is felafel with yogurt sauce without this? cumin... my salsa always needs a little or a lot. Sure, tithing is great and giving to charity is wonderful, but the gain is part of what is in question here. If we need the exploitation of others in order to have our 'stuff to give back' what good is it? Ian and I had a big talk about our temptations with materialism last night. i won't lie... I love a good fruitful shopping trip. BUT I did learn a few years back that industries are abusing people in a number of different ways. Slave labor, child labor, environmental dishonesty and abuse. Environment may seem like a strange one, but it effects the lowest of the low far before it ever effects the middle class or the wealthy. Dumps, factories, chemical storage sites... these things are often located in areas of low income and damage those people first, not to mention that the potentially hazardous material handling is also left to those who cannot afford to have a better job. Something is very wrong here. We may be giving our 10%, but how are we getting the full 100%? What are we spending the other 90% on? Are we harming others? Maybe not even in a way we can see, but it ways we can't see? We are happy to give to the bell ringer from Salvation Army, but where did that extra change come courtesy of? Have we strained the gnat and missed the camel?

This next one has been getting me for a couple weeks without having even read it in a while.

²⁹ "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! You build the tombs of the prophets and decorate the monuments of the righteous, ³⁰ and you say, 'If we had lived in the days of our fathers, we wouldn't have taken part with them in shedding the prophets' blood.' ³¹ You therefore testify against yourselves that you are sons of those who murdered the prophets. ³² Fill up, then, the measure of your fathers' sins!

Blerg! I have often thought about what my life may have been like during crazy historical times, like the underground railroad or the holocaust. What choices would I have made? Sure I nearly venerate those who have gone before that have done amazing things for their fellow man in the face of danger, persecution and death. I visited Wilberforce's grave in Westminster and felt very connected to the abolition movement and thanked God for the work of his people. i have walked by statues of Ghandi in DC and been thankful for those that stand up for the rights of those who are being oppressed and preach peace. I have pasted quotes from Mother Theresa in my closet to read each day.. but what am I doing here and now. Yes. I currently live in Africa working with refugees and women in difficult circumstances, but have i bet the family farm? I don't know. I don't think so. Historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich's famous quote "well-behaved women seldom make history," has become a battle cry for feminists the world over, and I love it. In fact I love it and hate it because it challenges me. Am I too well-behaved in my world of development work. There are things at point at that make me feel warm and fuzzy that "no... i am still woman! hear me roar!" but i continue to wonder if I squelch that voice of God that dwells in me, and remain satisfied with high marks in behavior. Am I merely decorating the tombs of the prophets? or am I really trying to dig in with abandon to the mire of life that this world is presenting me. I have said it before, being in this position is much more challenging to my every-day faith than I thought it would be. i have more excuses to let little things slip because "i have been being so good!" Or I can ignore the needs of hose around me in more intelligent ways than I ever knew existed. Am I really daring to be the solution, or am I relishing in my decor or sainthood? That is tough.

Lastly... this:

³⁷ "Jerusalem, Jerusalem! " The city who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her. How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, yet you were not willing!

I see this as one of the most sorrowful expressions of longing that I know of. i want this to be my longing for the people around me and for myself. I want to hear Christ's call to be gathered, and to run. i think of the pain of seeing parents who have tried to guard their children from danger ad vice only to see them continue down a broken and desolate path of self-destruction. How much more does a creator then hurt for the thing he has created that has become destructive in general, and even withe the ability to turn back and become an agent of peace does not?

God! I can hear you telling me you have my number. Don't let me off easy. I am worried about asking that.. but don't know what else to ask.
b

Saints in Slums

I had a strange experience this morning. I pass by the same vendors almost every morning. There are three men I often say hello to right past the questionable bridge on the dusty road. Joel and his brother are at the bottom of the hill and the man who sells maize is at the top. The man who sells maize told me he wanted to talk to me about something. When this has happened before with people I know or have met they usually want money or a job. Sadly I don't have either to just hand to people on the road. Even the Amani ladies I cannot just hand out cash to. it does not work this way.


So today I told a couple people and asked what to do and the consensus was that I need to listen and then ask God. If he is wanting something i cannot give I should just tell him i cannot. *sigh* this sounds easy, but i find it hard.


So instead of walking back like a grown up and hearing him out I waited specifically to walk with Laurel*, who is one of the dearest women at the place I volunteer. She is Kenyan, but married to a problematic Ugandan man who, for what i can tell, doesn't do much and then beats her. She is just a little older than me in years...27 i think, but she has 4 children and seems very much my elder in poise and wisdom. before the organization wide retreat, i found Lauri studying her Bible while waiting for the bus. Who knows how early she came to be there and read. She amazes me.


On our way back I asked the vendor if he wanted to talk now or wait until tomorrow and he told me it was my choice. I told him i would talk to him tomorrow. I told Laurel what was going on and she told me first to be very careful since I don't really know this man. I know to be careful, but hearing it from a Kenyan somehow makes it so much more legit.

We talked about it for a while and she instructed me that i should hear him out and pray very hard about it and let God tell me what I should be doing. Then Lauri told me how God knows my heart and if I am living and speaking in the Truth that it will set me free. You know, i have heard this phrase "the truth will set you free" so many times, but I don't think I have ever had it touch my core the way it did coming from Laurel. You can sometimes really tell when someone knows a truth they are sharing with you and Lauri knows this Truth. I had that feeling that I was in the presence of a giant of the faith. A giant of the faith who lives in a slum and has a husband who beats her and four children she is scraping just enough together to get by. It was if my heart burst. I almost broke down in tears right then and there. The face of God in this wonderful Kenyan woman. I am so humbled and so in need of grace. Saints in slums. Oh Lord, convict me when I am self important or too pampered and spoiled to know the Truth.


What a day.

I want to love people better than I do already.

I want to love people better than I do already. This is one of the reasons that I buy fair trade.
I want to love people better than I do already which means not trying to make myself look better than them because I disagree with them.
I want to love people better than I do already which includes not getting upset when someone disagrees with me.
I want to love people better than I do already.
I want to love people better than I do already which is why I want to not get angry at them when they say something that is selfish.
I want to love people better than I do already which means I need to become less selfish.
I want to love people better than I do already which means that I cannot take the easy way out just because it is easy, but only take it when it is right and just.
I want to love people better than I do already which means not getting mad at people when they can't read my mind.
I want to love people better than i do already which will mean stepping out of my comfort zone more often than i do now.
I want to love people better than I do already so I try to think through my decisions and what their effects are.
I want to love people better than I do already which will mean telling the truth sometimes when it hurts.
I want to love people better than I do already so I need to study about love more.
I want to love people better than I do already and I want to be willing to die for them if need be.
I want to love people better than I do already and realize that whatever I have sacrificed now is nothing.
I want to love people better than I do already which will mean saying sorry when I have done something hurtful.
I want to love people better than I do already and I don't always know what that means.
I want to love people better than I do already so I need to learn humility.
I want to love people better than I do already so I need to listen better.
I want to love people better than I do already so I need to be transformed and sanctified.
I want to love people better than I do already and I don't know how sometimes.
I want to love people better than i do already because today I did not love people as much or as fully as I could have and my heart is hurting about it.

Love me some library

This is today's find on the interwebz.


Isn't it gorgeous!?

Ian and I have just moved into our new apartment, and while it is generally delightful, it has a few ugly quirks. One of those quirks is the sink in the hallway.
That may sound funny to any friends from the US of A who may still pop by here once in a while, but there you have it. We have a sink in the hallway. It is set in a little alcove of mauvey-pink tile and is generally odd and a little ugly.
So, I have been hoping to spruce the alcove up with a row or two of bunting featuring drawings inspired by dental illustrations. One of my favorite new places to browse images is the New York Public Library's Digital Gallery because it rocks my socks off and the featured collections are sweet.
As I was searching for my inspiration photos or diagrams I stumbled upon this vintage french poster when searching under "dental hygiene". Needless to say.... AWESOME. Nothing like a turn of the century French toothpaste advert to really make my day!
If you haven't been to the NYPL Digital Galleries you simply must go and check it out! I love my Library of Congress too, but NYPL's site setup seems a bit more intuitive to me and my web searches have seemed a touch smarter. Love me some library.
B

Electric Car!

I already wanted one... this just makes me want one more!

Loving in the moment

I'm fairly certain that the only person who reads this blog anymore is my husband... and I appreciate that he does read it. Still, I have been wanting to pick up writing again for the sake of trying. I've been getting razzed a little about how bad of a blogger I am so I will work harder.
I figure a blog is a good place to collect and share great things that you find, so here is a website that Ian brought to my attention this week: http://tradeasone.com/

Trade As One's mission is "to use sustainable business to break cycles of poverty and dependency in the developing world. We all have a conscience, and we want to give people the chance to use it when they shop."
I think that is amazing and worth getting on board.

Trade As One is one of a handful of organizations and shops that are getting on board to create options for consumers to buy goods that are made in safe working environments with fair wages that allow others internationally to have better lives by using our buying power to vote daily for justice.

This is an issue close to my heart as I have been traveling especially in this year. We are headed to Kenya soon and I am truly hoping that we can continue to find places that offer fairly made goods so that we can support social change internationally.

This is also an exciting find because with every fair trade option that opens, i feel one step closer to one day accomplishing a life goal, which is to have a wardrobe made completely of fairly made goods.
Hooray for a new discovery that brings us one step closer to securing justice for many!
B

Job 10

I am back reading in Job. I am terrible about this everyday stuff! I think the only thing I have been truly consistent about so far this year has been taking my daily shower. Seriously. That is how bad this not-having-a-schedule thing has become. ugh!

Anyhow...back to Job. This excerpt i thought was so lovely and amazing how it is nestled in Job's plea for God to remember that He made Job. Once again I am showing my crafty side in what sticks out to me, but I really think making metaphors are interesting!

Job 10:8 Your hands fashioned and made me,
and now you have destroyed me altogether.
9 Remember that you have made me like clay;
and will you return me to the dust?
10 Did you not pour me out like milk
and curdle me like cheese?
11 You clothed me with skin and flesh,
and knit me together with bones and sinews.
12 You have granted me life and steadfast love,
and your care has preserved my spirit.

Of these three 'making processes' in this scripture, I have experienced two to a meaningful degree... and I am betting that if you guessed which one I had not experienced from first thought you would probably be wrong. It's knitting. i don't knit.

I have however experienced both clay processing and cheese making, and these being mentioned really excites me. i feel a little bad about once again being so excited about a making metaphor in the middle of a tragic story, but these sorts of metaphors are so often lost on our lives of modern convenience.
For instance: cheese.
After living in India for a short time we realised our need for cheese beyond paneer was serious. Ian and I are good midwestern/northern stock and we love cheese. I mean... we really love cheese. this was not helped by living in Washington DC only a few blocks from Eastern Market with a fabulous cheese vendor, and then moving to London for a stay where cheeses from all over were easily available and for a price our meager student budget could easily handle. Moving to a place where cheese as we knew it was difficult to find was... well... difficult! So, when we came back to the states for what was supposed to be a short visit we decided to use our ample time to try our hands at the craft of cheese-making beginning with a simple mozzarella. Ian chronicled our cheese-making escapades at our friend Matt's foodblog.
It is a time consuming thing making cheese, but it extremely rewarding not to mention economical and fairly simple. From what I can tell, patience is the main ingredient. The curdling happens like magic. After heating and adding ingredients and stirring the soon-to-be cheese curdles mysteriously.
Even though it is really more of a chemical reaction that does most of the mork for me, i couldn't help but feel like I was accomplishing something with that cheese. It was so creamy and working it in our hands was fun and rewarding and left us with some of the tastiest mozzarella i have ever savored.
I honestly have much less of an interest in store bought mozzarella now (which is actually minutely tragic).

I think it is interesting how Job calls himself God's cheese. "Hey! Remember me?! I am your cheese! you made me! Why are letting terrible things happen to me?!"
Job gets that we are lovingly made and doesn't get why a creator would let terrible things happen to a creation.
I think that is a good question... without an answer.
B

Job 7

I'm a little behind in the reading I realize. I woke up at 5am this morning thinking "crap! I didn't read any of my RSS feed today which means I didn't read the Bible reading. ugghhhhhh."
If you know anything about me you may know that I am not a morning person in the least. That being said I promptly rolled over and went back to sleep for another 5 hours or so when i woke up and came downstairs to eat my cheerios and get caught up on all of my reading :)

So... here we are. I skipped a day in terms of my blogging, but I wanted to just get back on the horse here. So we meet up with Job in chapter 7 after he has had his friends tell him that God doesn't punish people who don't deserve it and that he should be more Godly in the previous chapters. Job has innocently said "but I didn't do anything wrong.... I don't understand!"

So here we are in Chapter 7 where he is telling us about how his life is hopeless. Wow. One thing I find especially fascinating about Biblical texts are the crafting metaphors. I know this is solely because I have 'make stuff' fever, but it really helps me understand what is going on and I feel connected with generations of makers who this scripture was written for.
In verse 6 Job says "My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle and come to their end without hope."

This is super sad stuff. A shuttle in terms of weaving is "a tool designed to neatly and compactly store weft yarn while weaving. are thrown or passed back and forth through the shed, between the yarn threads of the warp in order to weave in the weft." Thank you Wikipedia. That little stick in the hollowed out area of the shuttle above is where the thread is stored.
Anyway.. this got me thinking... I had seen a video of a weaver who brought his weaving outside as an experiment, so I wanted to see once again how fast a weaver's shuttle moves. I've never had a chance to weave on a big loom so my experience is mostly with clumsy home-made looms form cardboard, so my shuttle never moved very quickly, but i think you'd also be hard pressed to ever get anyone to agree that I was a weaver. SO... check out the action on those shuttles as textiles artist Travis Meinolf weaves.



Speedy!
I don't want to downplay Job's suffering. I personally feel like a slave of time regularly. How quickly life is speeding past and I am not stricken with the pains that Job was enduring. This metaphor really strikes me.
The part that makes me perhaps the saddest is the second half of that verse where Job says that his days are "coming to their end without hope." I have been trying to think about what a shuttle coming the end of a row without any hope would look like. It could be that there is no more weft to be done and that the piece is finished, but that doesn't seem hopeless to me. If a piece is a finished then you have a great textile...which is far from hopeless. Instead I have imagined that somehow the yarn on the shuttle has been severed from the rest of the tapestry and is merely following the shuttle back and forth without producing any weft or product.
As I said before, I am not a weaver, but I am a hobbyist sewer. I love my sewing machine and have a difficult time living without one. I just bought a new Janome Mini sewing machine that is about half the size of a normal machine and weighs in at about 5 pounds. It is itty bitty. I love the little thing although it can be tricky once in a while. I have been spoiled in the past with my big beautiful Brother machine that is nearly idiot proof. I have hardly ever had to mess with any settings as it deals with the thread tension on its' own and has all sorts of helpful features. It also allows me to be a little sloppy in following some of the rules I should be paying attention to. One of those things that I have been told over and over again is to manually pick up the stitch at the beginning of sewing a new line. This more or less means that I turn a dial with my hand in stead of letting electricity handle it for me. With my big machine i have found I can get away without doing this, but the little machine is teaching my the importance of doing this and has caused me much frustration.
This is where my connection with Job comes it. it has happened to me a number of times now that I have begun sewing thinking that everything is fine and watching my needle go swiftly through the fabric pulling the tread behind it punching along... only to realize as i pick up the cloth i have just stitched to realize that in fact the bobbin thread never picked up so it is in fact not stitched at all but just sort of hole-punched by my needle which tucked the top thread in making it look sewn. Oh frustration!!!!
This is the closest I can think to a hopeless shuttle. It doesn't pick up anything so it has gone through the day without producing and now it has nothing to show for it and the fabric falls apart.
Poor Job! What a sucky way to pass through your days.
B

Selections from Job 1-3

Here's the reading I'm exploring from.

"Job 1:2 There were born to him seven sons and three daughters. 3 He possessed 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 500 yoke of oxen, and 500 female donkeys, and very many servants, so that this man was the greatest of all the people of the east."

I and the Village by Chagall

"1:10 Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land."

Jacob Lawrence
Street to Mbari, 1964

1:20 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped.
Lithograph entitled "Job" by Oldrich Kulhánek
2:7 So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and struck Job with loathsome sores from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head. 8 And he took a piece of broken pottery with which to scrape himself while he sat in the ashes.
Matthias Grünewald
(c. 1470 – August 31, 1528)
detail from The Isenheim Altarpiece
3:25 For the thing that I fear comes upon me,
and what I dread befalls me.
26 I am not at ease, nor am I quiet;
I have no rest, but trouble comes.”

Untitled, 1930 Marianne Brandt

LXVI

I've decided to take NCC's year-long Bible reading challenge, but I thought it could be interesting if I went searching for illustrations to the scripture I'll be covering. I may be making my own collages, but for now I am going to throw a couple things around with using bits and bobs from art history :) Some will be literal and some will be more free-association.
Check out their reading schedule to try and keep up!

Shame, shame

It has been a very long break of not posting again. Once again I have zero truly good excuses... BUT we have gone through some large life changes as of late including a move and new career directions. YIKES!
But luckily, the making and sketching is coming back into full swing, so I thought I would post a couple things from the ol' sketch book and visual files.
First, we hung out at this great little coffee shop right on the water last week, and I seriously considered nicking one of the menus because of the charming Italian vintage graphics that they used. So instead the handy camera on my phone did some work-
I've been really hit hard emotionally by some of the volunteer work I've just started doing and some of that found its' way onto my sketch book pages. I think this is going to be turned into some sort of three dimensional cut out... but here is the sketch of the vicious cycle I have been thinking about. Again.. sorry about the camera phone pics.. I'll try to get something better for next time.
I've been trying to be a busy little bee getting some prep work done for the weekday outings. i feel like I have been taking a step back in time to my Jr.High life with all the beads I have been sorting.
Our new home has a lot of creativity due to necessity surrounding it, and also some just because. Check out the painting on the meter top. Now I can't help but see an elephant head when checking the meter even when one isn't actually painted.
Also, one more thing before i forget... if you aren't already religiously watching TED videos... get on it. If you are in need for a creative boost, be sure to watch this talk by author Elizabeth Gilbert. Fantastic.
B

Maximum Uh-Oh

I am currently reading Maximum City: Bombay Lost and Found by Suketu Mehta. I admit that I am barely into the book... maybe page 30... but this portrait of Mumbai is getting my goat. I think one of the reasons I am slow to move through this is all of the honestly that Mehta's narrative seems to put out there. From what i can tell, this book is a narrative portrait of Bombay (Mumbai). His writing is fantastic. I am really enjoying the style and voice... he really is a great read in that way.. but the subject is really difficult and he spares little (if any) detail to let youknow how this world works.
I imagine everyone who would ever wander upon this blog knows by now that I'm headed off to South Asia for a year so that Ian can do legal fellowship there. And if you didn't know, well there you have it. That's what I'm up to after my near 6 months of stony silence while existing in the UK. Right now I writing from the porch of our current place of staying looking out on the American street, that for some reason looks rosier every second while reading this book.
Here are some quotes that I have written down today. A lot of these things I already had in my knowledge base, but Mehta's narrative voice is really hitting these home for me at the moment.
(pg 20) "... eight thousand human beings living on a few acres of land. It is the population of a small town."
(pg 24) "India has the third largest pool of technical labor in the world, but a third of its 1 billion poeple can't read or write."
"It is an imitation of a Western city, maybe Chicago in the twenties."
(26) "... the ethic of Bombay is quick upward mobility and a scam is a short cut. ... A scam shows good business sense an a quick mind. Anyone can work hard and make money. What's to admire about that? But a well-executed scam? Now, there's a thing of beauty."
(28) "Violence in Bombay can strike very close at any time. And the present dispute, as usual, is about space..."
(29) "... air that has ten times the maximum permissible levels of lead in the atmosphere."
"Breathing the air in Bmbay now is the equivalent of smoking two and a half packs of cigarettes a day."
(30)"101 out of 100 are dishonest. Still my India is the best" (sign on the back of a truck)
(31) "I miss cold weather and white people."
"It was when I realized i had a new nationality: citizen of the country of longing."
(35) "The first world lives snuck in the center of the third."

So there you have it. What I am supposed to make of all of this I am unsure. Some days I am really excited about going, and other days (specifically those i pick up honestly written narratives about Bombay) I am convinced we might be moving to some ring of hell on earth.
Still, I am learning a lot. I have found that I am going to need an illustrated guide to Hinduism because i have no idea which deities are which in statues and poems.
Yay for not knowing.
B

Figs, Google, and the Bible

I really like my computer. It is kind of a problem sometimes. I use it for near everything and I really like the internet. I am in many ways truly a pure-blood American twenty-something. I don't panic when i can't get online, but boy do i prefer being able to. There is so much information readily available! Today, once again, this came to the fore front in my every day life.
I'm really trying to get better at reading scripture. I have really good times and then times that I just flat out suck. Lately my bible reading is not just something i should be doing, but a solution for moments of panic that are becoming less few as Ian and I navigate the next steps of "OMG WHAT NOW!?"
So today I read in Mark where Jesus curses a fig tree. Here it is in the New Living Translation... which is generally the one I read... mainly because that is the one i have and for not much other reason anyway.. Mark 11:12-25... ready go.

Jesus Curses the Fig Tree

¹² The next morning as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. ¹³ He noticed a fig tree in full leaf a little way off, so he went over to see if he could find any figs. But there were only leaves because it was too early in the season for fruit. ¹⁴ Then Jesus said to the tree, “May no one ever eat your fruit again!” And the disciples heard him say it.

Jesus Clears the Temple

¹⁵ When they arrived back in Jerusalem, Jesus entered the Temple and began to drive out the people buying and selling animals for sacrifices. He knocked over the tables of the money changers and the chairs of those selling doves, ¹⁶ and he stopped everyone from using the Temple as a marketplace.^c]">[c] ¹⁷ He said to them, “The Scriptures declare, ‘My Temple will be called a house of prayer for all nations,’ but you have turned it into a den of thieves.”^d]">[d]

¹⁸ When the leading priests and teachers of religious law heard what Jesus had done, they began planning how to kill him. But they were afraid of him because the people were so amazed at his teaching.

¹⁹ That evening Jesus and the disciples left^e]">[e] the city.

²⁰ The next morning as they passed by the fig tree he had cursed, the disciples noticed it had withered from the roots up. ²¹ Peter remembered what Jesus had said to the tree on the previous day and exclaimed, “Look, Rabbi! The fig tree you cursed has withered and died!”

²² Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. ²³ I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. ²⁴ I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours. ²⁵ But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.^f]">[f]”

Previously this has made zero sense to me and today I decided that google was going to help me fix the "wtf?" moment that happens evertime I hear Jesus curse this fig tree that didn't have fruit on it even though Mark SPECIFICALLY notes that figs are NOT in season. Really Jesus? What the heck? What is with you and randomly running around killing trees today?
So.. google and I cuddle up to figure out this issue. It doesn't take much to have a couple answers sitting in front of me. Here's th short story to the fig deal: figs get a form a fruit before they get leaves. The don't neccesarilt get figs, but these little almond size things that are well known traveling snacks of peasants and wanderers. Not only that, but these things forecast the productivity of the fig tree. No goofly almond thingers... no figs. When Jesus hops up to this tree in the story in Mark, it is noted that the tree only had leaves. No fruitish stuff.. no almond-y thingers. Leaves. More or less this tree is saying 'look at me all alive and flourishing! I am a leafy fig tree!' If that is true, leafy fig tree that is showing the signs of productivity should have somethng on it... mainly the almond-joy snacks. So Jesus approaches, sees no fruit and curses the tree for boasting to be productive but not being.
Now, generally I think I would have been a really bad disciple. I would have been over in the corner going "seriously? It's only a tree. No need to get worked up about this. This Jesus character gets spinning over the strangest things. What is his deal?" Or perhaps I would have been all "YEAH! Stupid tree! THIS SUCKS! I HATE THAT TREE!" Either way the trip back past this tree the next day when it is seriously withered away would have still been shocking. Good disciple or not, I suppose.
I was thinking about this froma purely experience direction and realized that a tree completely dying in 24 hours is totally nuts. We used to cut down trees in our yard and the braches would stay leafy and fairly alive looking for days. When i wandered orchards for my summer job there would be trees that had completely fallen apart and had half the tree completely detached and was leafy still for at least a couple days. A 24 hour turn around is pretty darn crazy.
Now there are plently of other things I learned about figs that are of note. I looked throug the life cycle of the fig wasp.. which was reall interesting. I found out (if I understand this correctly) that a fig is more like a flower than a fruit. The traditional flower we think of blooms inside the what we think of as 'the fruit' and it takes that really specialized wasp to pollinate it. I thought that was wild. Even in the midst of all of those fun facts, this one thought of why Jesus used this as a visual learning device caught me. I really need to pay attention to where I get this stuff, but one article mentioned how this could have been an allusion to Isreal and how they were showing all of the signs of being spiritually productive and healthy, but really they were just showing off leaves. I'm nto sure how that conclusion was reached, but I am willing to make that jump.
My main beek comes when the disciples and Jesus pass by it the next day and after the group noting at how crazy it is that the curse worked so fast, Jesus tells them that they can move mountains. Nice. Okay.. cool.
But that part that really got me was how after "you can move mountains if you have faith.. pray and beleive you have received it.. great... okay OH! and when you pray be sure to forgive anyone you have grudges against first!" *sigh*
I don't know that I have much to say on that other than moving mountains and forgiving grudges in this context strike me as things that are on the same level of difficulty. If you are going to move the mountain, first you have got to get over your grudges. Ouch.
Tough stuff for today.
I was all game when all we were talking about was figs... but then i get my butt kicked.
b

Enjoying DC while we can

Ian and I are still waiting to hear back from prospective employers around the globe, but while doing that we are hanging out in DC with some friends and soaking in the atmosphere. Well, at least I am. Ian is still stuck studying, but I got him out and about for a quick walk to Eastern Market today. On our way back we bumped into a new friend and also had a few fabulous finds.
For starters this guy-
I know a lot of people hate graffiti and I can understand why. A lot of it does not make your day better or happier.. but for some reason this one makes me happy :) a bird with shorts? Wonderful.
Next glorious thing-


These were all over the park on our way back and I had to see what they were about! We followed what Ian told the mom of the young businessman was "effective advertising"...
And enjoyed one of the wonderful things about being in a fairly busy neighborhood in the summer :) Lemonade and chocolate chips from a young entrepreneur. He even asked us what color cups we would like! His mother let us know that "color is really important at this age" and I replied "oh! I still think color is important!" We got a red cup and a blue cup :)
Fantastic. I love lemonade stands. I need to remember to stock up on quarters for the summer!
B

In honor of heading back soon

So- I have tried to write here while being in London but have had a really tough time of it (obvious from the complete lack of entries since the first week of being here). So here it is May and I have very little blog to show for myself... I have a number of drafts that will most likely never be posted... and honestly you probably wouldn't want to read them anyway. It rains a lot here and that always makes me a little Eeyore about things :(
BUT in honor of getting my brain in gear to make the continent leap once again I thought i would put out some very self serving thoughts (in the next 5 minutes because it is bed time).
Today I was thinking about the things that I would like to be today. you know how you are forced to think about what you want to be as a kid and it can wildly range from day to day? Welllll... I am that way still. Some days I have even considered that I would like to be an inanimate object like a statue or a egg cup or something nice like that.
Well, today here are things I wanted to be... much to the help of a trip to Borders while being kicked out of our flat while Ian did a phone interview. (ps-it went well we think.)
Today I wanted to be a gardener or farmer and grow berries. I wanted to be a boater or a sailor.. more someone who takes people on boats like the tour guide we had in Little Venice here in London. I wanted to be a basket weaver, because that seems mesmerizing and an age old craft... and along the same lines i wanted to be a potter. Lastly i wanted to be a fiber artist thanks to a beautiful book I found on the art of embroidery.
When I think about the reality of myself doing any of these I feel that the ones I would be most apt to adapt are probably weaving and embroidering. My dreams of pottery have been dashed time and time again sadly... I don't imagine i will take up the boating life any time soon although it sounds nice... I'm just not sure I would know what to do with it... and I don't seem to have the natural knack for gardening and I hate having soil under my nails.
So there you have it. My triumphant return to blogging by telling you want I wanted to be today.
Jut for the sake of knowing... when asked as a child what i wanted to be when i grew up and being asked to draw it in my elementary school journal I wanted to be either an artist or an archeologist. Not sure what that says about me, but there you have it :)
What did you want to be?
B

First Impressions

They say first impressions are important. With that in mind I have put off posting for a few days for the sake of giving a positive first impression of our stay in London. :)
We got here at 7am local time Wednesday morning and Ian immediately left for school and I began my 3-day stint of full-time Nanny to a friend's child who was a ball full of energy. I felt bad for the poor kid because I was so completely bushed after being awake for 24 hours that first day, i was probably no fun at all! Still... cameras are a big hit.. especially when you can take pictures of the other person taking a picture of you... she though this was just grand!If I had not yet won favor, I think that my ability to draw pictures that looked like her Disney princess dolls may have done the trick. Ah... my college education at work.
SO... If I had in fact blogged before today that is pretty much all you would have seen. Myself and my new preschool friend and Ariel in her post-mermaid dress. THAT is what London is all about. NOOoooooo. Moving on...
Trafalgar Square! Finally today Ian and I got out for a touch of sight seeing. After morning service at Holy Trinity Brompton (which we enjoyed) we headed out to the center of vacation snapshots....
This so far has to be my favorite picture... maybe ever. I love this guy and this picture makes me so happy! He's amazing and I am thrilled we get to finally globe-trot more together.
And me! Those cars whirring past in the background were actually going quite quickly... maybe. That is one thing I am unsure of here.. are the cars really going faster? Or am I just ridiculously close to the road at all times?
Big Ben! Since we are mere mortals we saw Ben (which happens to only refer to the bell and not the tower.. did you know that?) from behind a rather tall gate.
We have been reading up on London, and we figured it was no time to stop. Ian was reading me from our tour book as we went along. He read, I took pictures. Pretty keen deal.
Just one more for fun... with the London Eye in the background!
We took a quick turn around the grounds of Westminster Abbey...
And then back past Parliament on our way back to the tube to go back home to our teeny flat.
Hooray! The rumors are true! We really are in London!!!!

Needless to say, I plan to revisit all of these sights again, but it was good to finally get to take a little look around at some of the iconic sights of this city. If it crosses our mind please pray for our health. We are still recovering from some jet-lag and just generally no sleeping as well on our 'dorm bed'.
Cheers!
B